Today is May 24. I loathe May 24. It will never be a good day, not for as long as I live. It hasn't been since Joanie died, thirty-two years ago today.

Leo came to see today. He knew what day it was. He asked me how I was. Every year since she died, Leo has gotten ahold of me, no matter where I was or where he was, and asked me how I was. And every year I'd answer the same thing, the truth. No. It wasn't any different this year.

He then asked if I wanted to talk to someone, not necessarily from here. I knew what he was hinting at. I told him no, and he gave me the father-knows-best look, the same one Dad gave me all the time. I reluctantly agreed to go see Stanley.

And I did. And now I'm sitting here in my dark office, brooding over how stupid I've been for thirty-two years. I let the guilt of Joanie's death shackle me.

I feel stupid because I've held this guilt over something I had no control over for almost all my life. I finally realize that I did what any typical seven-year-old would do. I ran, assuming Joanie was behind me. But of course she wasn't.

And when I saw my parents again, I thought they were angry that their beautiful, precious Joanie had died and not their klutzy son. Me. For years I thought that. But now I see that they just didn't know how to express how grateful they were that the flames that consumed Joanie didn't consume me as well. I can't believe I ever thought anything like that. How stupid of me. But I guess that's the theme of the day.

Leo came back to see me again after I returned. He told Donna not to allow anyone, including herself, to bother us until he came back out. He wanted to know how it went.

I poured out everything that I had told Stanley, and what he had told me. I told him how stupid I felt for holding on to that guilt for all these years, for letting it shackle me. How when I got back, I cried.

I mourned Joanie all over again, but this time, I wasn't crying because I felt so guilty like had so many times since she left. This time it was guilt free. It felt so good. I told him it felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my heart, from me. And all that time, he just sat there, listening intently, wearing a look of genuine understanding. I knew it was genuine, because I know for a fact that he understood.

By the time I had finished, I had started crying all over and it was over an hour later. Leo had to go, but before he left, he gave me a hug, a tissue, and told me that he'd be asking me again next year. And I know that next year will be different. I can truthfully answer yes.

I broke free of my shackles today. It feels so good to not have that burden anymore. Leo has helped so much, as well as Stanley. I owe it all to them, and that next year, for the first time ever, I can say yes.

So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding onto splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep my faith alive

'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me

END