Josh stared down at the sparkling waters of the Potomac River. There was a light snow falling, and it was chilly, but the Potomac had not yet froze over.

I wish I had never been born, he thought gloomily. Then I never would have made anyone hurt, because I never would have been shot, or shut them out. I never meant it to go so far, but it's easier that way. Less guilt about my... well, what I'm going to do.

"I sincerely hope you're not thinking of jumping," said a voice from beside him.

"What? Hey-"

"I know what you're thinking," he stated. "Don't worry, I'm not some Republican trying to destroy your career." The strange little man smiled at his own joke. Josh just turned and stared out over the water again.

"Wait. I know who you are! You're that guardian angel from 'It's A Wonderful Life'! But, how-"

"Yes, it's true. I am Clarence, and I was in 'It's A Wonderful Life'. Cameo, my young man. I'd always wanted to act..."

"But that's just a movie, and this is real life!"

"Yes, of course it is, young man. See, I was a guardian angel to one of the actors, and... oh, it's a long story. But anyway, I was sent here to stop you from jumping."

Josh looked over the edge once more. "Impossible. Might as well just scurry yourself back to heaven. No need to waste time on me," he said dejectedly.

"I came by special request of a certain Noah Lyman."

"My DAD?" Josh squeaked.

"Yes, of course, Joshua."

Josh buried his head on the railing in shame. Just do it, Josh. The sooner you're gone, the sooner you lose this crazy angel and go to see your father again.

"I'm no crazy angel, thank you!" Clarence replied. Josh just said nothing.

"I know all of what's happened to you. You got shot, and you got angry and depressed, and also very bitter." Still no answer from Josh.

"You don't want to cause your friends any more pain. And you wish you were never born."

Nothing.

"But let me tell you, your friends would rather die than have you die, Joshua. Well, with the possible exception of that crabby bearded one, but I can't say for sure so I won't say it at all."

"I'm crazy. I've lost it," came Josh's muffled answer. "I'm teetering on the edge of sanity."

"But you must see how your friends care for you!"

"That's exactly why I have to do this!" he roared, turning and glaring fiercely at Clarence. "I don't' WANT my friends to die for me, not EVER!" Then lowering his tone, he said, "I don't deserve them. I'm no good. I'm a waste of life."

"Don't talk like that, Joshua! Of course you're-"

"I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN!"

"If you have seen my movie, which I looked spectacular in, really, you should have seen the message!"

"This is different! That guy only had money problems! He wasn't shot like I was. Pieces of himself wasn't taken out like mine were. Everything that was me is there no more! He never felt the emptiness I feel, or the sorrow, the pain, the ANGER that I feel."

"Fine. You know what?" Clarence paused. "You were never born. No one knows you."

"What?"

"You were never born, just as you wished. But, now you need to see what would have happened." Clarence snapped his fingers, and they were standing outside the gates of a cemetery.

"This... this is where my father and sister are buried! You took us... you took us to CONNECTICUTT!"

"You're a bright young lad, quick as a fox. Now, come."

Josh followed Clarence into the center of the cemetery. Clarence pointed at at two grave stones.

"There. Your father's grave, and your sister's."

"But I know when they died!"

"Look, you silly man!"

Josh bent down and looked at them. Nearly at once, he gave a strangled sob, and sat down hard on the damp grass. Clarence sat next to him.

"That can't be right! My father died in 1998, not in 1970!"

"But if you had never existed, he would have died in 1970. Where were your parents on the night of the fire?"

"Oh God! At my parent-teacher conferences!"

"So you see, had you never been born, your father would have died right along with your sister.

"Here, now. Look at this." They got up, and Clarence pointed at the next gravestone in the row.

"My MOTHER? 19...82?"

"Broken heart. Loneliness. You see what your non-birth has brought? Wiped out the entire Lyman family by 1982."

Josh said nothing.

"Come. We have much more to see." Another snap of Clarence's fingers, and they were standing outside of a fancy New York City restaurant.

"What the-"

"You'll soon see."

Sure enough, in a few seconds time, Sam Seaborn came out of the door.

"He waits tables here," Clarence informed Josh.

Sam was walking in their direction.

"Sam!" Josh called suddenly. Sam stopped.

"Excuse me? Do I know you?"

"Sam! It's Josh! Of course you know me!"

"I don't know any Josh. Now if you'll excuse me-"

"Sam! Your law degree! You're one of the best lawyers I've ever met! Why are you waiting tables?"

"I don't know how you know about my law degree! Now please, sir!" Sam shoved past Josh and hailed a cab.

"Sam! Please! Listen to me!"

Sam got into the cab. "Sir, I have no idea who you are, so would you kindly excuse me! Goodnight!" He slammed the door and the cab sped off.

"Sam…" Josh whispered, "what happened to you?"

Clarence tapped his shoulder.

"WHAT?" Josh yelled angrily.

"Let me tell you what happened to dear old Sam. He was working at Gage-Whitney, as you well know. Well, he made a HUGE mistake at the end of the Brownsin/Arctech case, and was subsequently fired. He-"

"The Brownsin case! That's the case he was starting when I pulled him away to join Bartlet for America!"

"Yes. And, since he was fired from one of the biggest and best firms in the nation, he hasn't been able to get a job at any other firm, nor was he successful at starting his own. Because of that, he needed money. So he had to start waiting tables instead, just to get himself by."

"Sam! God, Sam! And yet, he remained polite. Always polite, Sam is." Josh couldn't resist smiling at that.

"Now, we must not linger. I have many more things to show you."

"This is beginning to feel suspiciously like 'A Christmas Carol' to me," Josh said.

"But yet we are not viewing past, present, or future, in that sort of way. Merely just alternate lives of al you cared about. Now let's get on." He snapped his fingers again, and now they were standing outside the Congress building in a large group of people.

"What's this?" Josh asked.

"Look." Clarence pointed to the top of the stairs. John Hoynes was descending the steps with a small cluster of people surrounding him.

"There's the President," Clarence said.

"I don't see President Bartlet anywhere!"

"Joshua! Without you, Jed Bartlet never got elected. He's retired in his New Hampshire farm. Hoynes is President, Joshua."

"No!" Josh cried.

"I'm afraid so."

"Then what about Leo? And Toby? And CJ? And-"

"Come." With a snapping of fingers, they were whisked off to a park. Sitting on a bench were Leo, Toby, and CJ.

"Hey! CJ-"

"Don't even try! Remember, YOU DON'T EXSIST!"

"But then, what happened to them?"

"Leo and Toby stayed quiet for a couple of years, then ran for the Senate and won. CJ is on Toby's staff."

"It's not fair."

"I hoped that you would realize that by now. Joshua, you not being born made many people's lives worse, not better."

"But what about-"

"Your other friends?"

"Donna, and Charlie. What about them?"

"Significantly worse off. Donna's a waitress at a café in Madison, Wisconsin, and Charlie is struggling through college and two jobs, b/c he doesn't have enough money."

"Oh, God…"

"Even Miss Ainsley Hayes has been affected by your non-birth."

"AINSLEY?"

"Yes, Joshua, Ainsley. Since she never got to debate with Sam on TV, she never got her job. See, you never brought Sam into the campaign, and without you they lost."

Josh sat on a bench. "All I can see is a lonely Sam, making small wages as a waiter. He deserves much more!"

"Amen, Joshua. Amen." Clarence snapped his fingers and they returned once more to the railing by the Potomac River.

"It's now up to you, Joshua. If by seeing these waters again, you choose to jump, so be it. I can't stop you. But think of everything you have learned tonight, Joshua."

Josh turned and looked over the Potomac. He made up his mind almost immediately.

"Clarence! I want to be born, please! I can't stand the thought of all my friends, struggling. Please, make me born again."

"There's someone coming for you now, Joshua. Therefore, I must leave you. You chose well. Goodnight!" And with nothing more, Clarence was gone.

Josh faced the river.

How could I EVER think about suicide?

A few tears slid down his face, as he thought of how much more grief he would have brought his friends had he jumped, or worse, never been born at all.

He leaned heavily against the railing, and let his tears flow swiftly into his cold hands.

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Josh?"

"CJ?"

"Josh, what's the matter?" CJ asked with concern.

"How'd you know where to find me?"

"I was looking for you at your apartment, but you weren't there, and I got worried, so I set out to look for you. I remembered that you liked this place, so I came here first. Now, look at me!"

Josh turned. CJ immediately embraced him, and his head fell onto her shoulder.

CJ had begun to piece things together. "Josh, you didn't try to-"

"Yes, I did…"

"God, Josh!" She gripped him tighter, as if she were to let go, she'd lose him forever.

"I'm okay, CJ. I've seen a lot tonight."

"Josh…"

"Trust me. I wasn't okay, I know that much. But I am now."

"Amen."

And there they stood, the snowflakes swirling around them, CJ making sure Josh never frightened her like that again, and that he would never leave her. Josh, he began to regain parts of him that had been lost to him since the shooting.


END